Because of our routines, we forget that life is an ongoing adventure. ~ Maya Angelou
I once read somewhere that “too live is to suffer and too survive is to assign meaning to that suffering”. I have not truly suffered in my life because i have always had people looking out for my best interest. It probably was because their best interest was intertwined with my welfare and happiness at the time. The same still rings true to this day. I know I have gone through times that most people would say I suffered during but when I look back on it, I see it differently.
I am writing this because at the moment I am suffering to find meaning to a vexing issue. I recently changed jobs and stumbled upon somebody that is the perfect compliment to me in every way. Just one smile from her can turn my gray skies blue. I have been doing so much with so little for so long, that I am now qualified to do the impossible with nothing. Yet, with all that said, I am unable to tell someone how I truly feel about them. This is not my first rodeo nor would it be the first horse I would be thrown from, so why am I so afraid to utter some simple words?
We work closely together everyday and spend hours together – just the two of us. We even spend time together after work eating dinner, getting drunk or just talking. But I have never expressed my feelings towards them. Why not? Because when we first met we both said “I don’t shit where I eat.” For those of you that do not understand that statement it means no dating where I work. I have done that before and even though things happened outside the office, it never carried over into the workplace.
So why am i so unwilling to even test the waters here? Could it be that I like the relationship structure that we have right now and do not want to risk losing what I have? I have never been one to love from afar, yet that is what I find myself doing at this moment. I have been to war, experienced horrors that would make most men cry for mommy. So why am I so timid when it comes to expressing my inner feelings. I would move mountains, redirect rivers, cross chasms for this woman and she doesn’t even know I exist after work is over. I guess I am still the unwilling, led by the unknowing, doing the impossible for the ungrateful.